Difficult Conversations Toolkit

State what happened without labels.

Example: "You arrived at 9:20" (not "You are careless").

"I feel __ when __ because __. I would like __." (clear + non-accusatory).

Paraphrase their point and ask if you got it right before responding.

Restate the other view in its strongest form before you critique it.

A limit plus your action if crossed (not a demand).

Example: "If shouting starts, I will pause and continue later."

Start by naming the outcome you want (solve, align, decide, repair).

"Is now a good time to talk about __?" reduces defensiveness.

Name what you both care about before the disagreement (relationship, quality, safety).

Use open questions: "What led you to that?" "What am I missing?"

Name the emotion you see/hear: "It sounds frustrating." (then pause).

Separate intent from impact: "I know you did not mean __. The impact was __."

Situation-Behavior-Impact: "In __, when you __, the impact was __."

Observation, Feeling, Need, Request (keep each step short).

A request allows "no" and offers alternatives; a demand escalates.

Give 2-3 acceptable options to make agreement easier.

Park unrelated topics; handle one concrete issue to completion.

Set a duration and a next check-in to avoid endless conflict.

If either person is flooded, pause and set a specific time to resume.

Summarize agreements and ask: "Did I miss anything important?"

A small move to de-escalate: humor, acknowledgment, or a short apology.

Acknowledge harm, take responsibility, express regret, propose repair, change behavior.

End with one concrete next action, owner, and date.

Document the agreement to prevent memory drift.

If the conversation becomes unsafe, end it and seek support/resources.